Missives From Obscurity

Giddy As A Schoolgirl

I have a crush.

On this guy who started work this week in my department. Evan Bumsenkerl. When Evan comes into work I am driven to distraction. I just want to spend the day looking at him and sitting next to him and feeding him grapes. He is, as my gay coworker described him in a covert email, a cross between Brad Pitt and Fabio. He’s tall, tan, Nordic and if he isn’t gay I’d be more than happy to indulge his bi curiosity. I Googled him and found his resume on an acting and modeling website (you can Google “Evan Bumsenkerl”, too, but you won’t find the real guy ‘cause, you know, alias and all). He has his headshot posted there and also a picture of him shirtless and HOT! God should prove just how loving and just She is by making it so Evan can come to work shirtless. I keep sighing over Evan. Who can concentrate on billing work orders when Evan's around? I’ve had a wide range of daydream fantasies about Evan… my Evan… my dear Evan… Mr. and Mr. Joseph and Evan Lopez-Bumsenkerl… fantasies in which Evan and I share deep conversations about the art of acting as we stare deep into one another’s eyes and smile and flirt; fantasies in which Evan waits for me outside in the pouring rain to confess his equal obsession with me and would I like to come over to his place for drinks and hang out in our underwear and he SWEARS… nothing will happen; fantasies of Evan coming over to my place to talk and confessing his deep, dark secret pain which causes him to break down in tears then leap up to flee but I hold him back and tell him, gently caressing his tear stained face, that it’s okay, that I understand, to just rest here in my arms, babe, and we kiss and make out and I console him right out of his clothes and into sweaty sheets and wild grunting monkey sex!!!

Crush behavior is so absurd.

What am I? TWELVE?! And a girl?! I wonder if straight people experience crushes like this. I mean, I know gay men do. Gay men develop whole crush fantasies on just a picture of a guy’s dick in the chat rooms of www.wildgruntingmanmonkeysex.com. At least my guy is whole and three dimensional. Even so, I feel simultaneously ashamed of myself and bouncy buoyant. That’s a crush for you! One wonders where my 37 year old rationality has gone. What of my jaded view of gorgeous actor/models in Los Angeles? Oh, well, there it is, right beside other, darker feelings that are elicited when I analyze my reactions to Evan: envy, jealousy, insecurity.

Well, those feelings have lurked right near the surface a lot lately. Times like right now, as I sit at my desk and reflect on them, I suddenly realize how trivial and pointless the insecurities are. Why should being in the presence of a young Balder like Evan make me feel inadequate? Why do I feel rejected and insignificant if I don’t receive a response from guys I think are hot when I IM or email them from gay websites? It’s a little bizarre, isn’t it? It’s like being back in high school, yearning to be graced by acceptance from the in-crowd, the jocks and golden children of the high school pantheon.

This July is my 20 year high school reunion. There’s a website for the Niwot High School class of 1985 to post pictures and information about what we’ve all been up to since graduation. I can’t believe the number of people procreating! Especially since I still imagine these people as 17 and 18 year olds. A few weeks ago I spent about an hour and a half going through the various biographies, passing judgment on people’s choices, the number of kids they’ve had and the religious re-birthings. My pettiness suddenly snuck up and astounded me. More than that, the fact that I’ve held on to some of the old wounds and insecurities from twenty years ago astounded me. I felt jealous of the careers and accomplishments of others, ashamed that I might appear inadequate in comparison, wondering what I will say at the reunion to these gold crowned adults, completely unable to see what I have accomplished myself, unable to appreciate my accomplishments on their own merit. It’s like feeling inadequate in the presence of gorgeous men, not realizing that I am in their company with just as much physical appeal.

This year I’ve been reading some self help books. I just finished “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. At times the book sounds a bit New Age, ding ding the chimes hokey, imparting the ancient wisdom of the Toltecs to today’s self help guru seekers, but there was some real wisdom to be gleaned from it. Part of that wisdom has to do with not making assumptions about other people’s motives and perceptions, not trying to live up to those false standards, and overcoming a Judge/Victim stance in life. It’s unfortunate that I’ve mastered that stance because, really, it’s high time for it to be dismantled. All this comparison to other people and feeling inadequate makes me just miserable… and miserable to be around, I’m sure… or at least trying at times. I have built such a web of self deprecation and inadequacy that I find it difficult to escape into a reality in which I stand on my own two feet and can embrace honor myself.

I think the Toltecs have sunk in… perhaps in too deep.

And since no one reading this is getting paid $150 an hour as my therapist, I’ll move on to this point: that there are others out there who can relate to what I’m saying. I’ll continue on my path of discovery in the hopes that I can attend my reunion without judging everyone there when they tell me about their missionary work in Cambodia, founding businesses of their own, and expressing pride in giving up their careers to raise children. I’ll smile and congratulate them in their life’s work. And I will, without the least bit of shame, relate my tales of working raves in Berlin, hiking the Alps, publishing my writing and co-running a writer’s group in Seattle with other vampire slayers.

Perhaps I’ll leave out the bit about the vampire slaying.

I look forward to transforming my life in accordance with ancient Toltec wisdom so that I might release all this negative energy and reclaim my strength so I can stop being such a pussy and start auditioning and writing and doing the things that will make me proud to stand as my own man on the windswept cliffs of adulthood (sheesh… sorry about that… I’ve got a John Williams compilation playing as I write this and I was just overcome with Rebel forces/Indiana Jones heroic inspiration)!

In the meantime, I’ve got to get going. Evan and I are going hiking up to Lake Hollywood where we’ll have a very masculine picnic, make out on the red and white checkered picnic blanket, and then giggle off into the bushes to ravish each other!

posted by Joe Lopez @ 9:40 AM